What Coaches and Mentors Can Learn from The Four Agreements
The words you use with someone you're developing, and the assumptions you make about what's actually going on with them, shape the coaching relationship more than any specific technique.
The whole book, compressed
This edition works through 4 core lessons — take them one at a time, not all at once.
What's different for your conditions
Tap whichever ones sound like you. Nothing here is sent or saved — it's just for your own noticing.
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The core lessons, applied to you
Be impeccable with your word — feedback that becomes part of someone's self-concept
Careless or harsh feedback in a developmental relationship carries outsized weight and can become part of how someone sees themselves long after the specific moment is forgotten.
An offhand harsh comment about someone's potential, said once in frustration, becomes a belief they carry about themselves for years.
Before a piece of critical feedback leaves your mouth, ask whether it addresses the specific behavior or slides into a judgment of the person's character.
Don't take anything personally — resistance usually isn't about you
Someone's defensiveness or resistance to your coaching usually reflects their own fear, history, or current stress, not a personal rejection of you or your advice.
A coach responds to resistance as a personal affront, escalating a dynamic that was actually about the other person's unrelated fear.
Don't make assumptions — check rather than guess at what's actually behind a stall
Assuming you know why someone is stuck, without asking, often means solving the wrong problem entirely.
The next time someone you coach seems stuck, ask directly what's actually going on for them rather than acting on your best guess.
Always do your best — modeling and accepting a standard that moves
Recognizing that someone's best on a hard week looks different from their best on a good week, and coaching accordingly, is more effective and more honest than holding a fixed standard regardless of their actual circumstances.
Pushing someone toward growth and not taking their resistance personally aren't opposites — the push is more effective delivered without the extra weight of a personal reaction to their resistance.
Name one thing, honestly
Think of someone you coach who's currently resistant. Have you asked what's actually behind it, or assumed a reason?
Good. Now look back at the "Try this" line under whichever lesson feels most connected to what you just wrote, and treat that as this week's actual assignment — not all 4 at once.
The practices from this edition
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Run this for seven days
The next time someone you coach seems stuck, ask directly what's actually going on for them rather than acting on your best guess.