What Leaders/Managers Can Learn from What My Bones Know

A leader who avoids conflict, over-controls a team, or cannot tolerate ambiguity is often treated as simply having a management style. What My Bones Know suggests it can be worth looking a layer deeper, in general terms, at where a pattern first made sense. Difficult or unpredictable experiences in childhood can shape how an adult responds to authority, conflict, and uncertainty for decades afterward, at work as much as anywhere else. For a manager, this might mean noticing that the urge to control every outcome, or the dread before a hard conversation, has roots that predate the job itself entirely.

A pattern can also simply be inexperience, not a childhood echo.

Before a hard conversation, notice what you're bracing for.

Foo's book describes trying multiple approaches, including several forms of therapy, before finding what genuinely helped her process complex trauma; healing took years, not a single course correction. Leaders often invest in executive coaching, valuable for skills and strategy, but coaching is not built to address patterns rooted in early adversity, and expecting it to can leave a leader confused about why change isn't sticking. Recognizing that some patterns may call for therapeutic support alongside coaching is not a failure of leadership; it resembles what the book itself describes, finding what actually helps through patient, repeated effort across different approaches over real time.

Not every leader has employer-covered therapy, and cost or stigma are real.

If coaching hasn't shifted a pattern, name that limit and explore therapy too.

Many leaders manage themselves the way they would never manage a direct report: with relentless self-criticism instead of clear, compassionate feedback. What My Bones Know models something quite different, building an accurate and even generous account of why a pattern developed rather than treating it as evidence of failure. For a leader, this could mean recognizing that the instinct to overwork, to seek constant approval, or to avoid delegating grew out of real circumstances long before this job existed, and that understanding this does not excuse poor leadership, but replaces shame with information a leader can actually use going forward.

Self-understanding without follow-through avoids the harder work of changing.

After criticizing a misstep, add one sentence naming where the reaction began.

Leaders are often told objectivity requires distance, which can quietly turn into isolation. What My Bones Know treats connection, not self-sufficiency, as part of real healing from difficult early experiences, and the same holds at work. Peer groups of other leaders, mentorship, or colleagues who know the fuller picture can counter loneliness, making old patterns easier to notice instead of carrying them alone.