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Build an apology the other person can accept

Saying the word is the short part. This is what has to happen before it, inside it, and after it.

How To Say Sorry: A Guide for Apologies and Acceptance
Gianna Powel  ·  A PQ Unleashed book
DVFZ Training Consultancy Services, 2022  ·  10 chapters in 8 ideas

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you them regret · responsibility · growth restitution · request five steps across

01 The problem

Most apologies fail by being the wrong size

The three worked examples in this book all break the same rule. Grace missed her daughter’s school performance and then apologised so relentlessly that the girl needed space from her. Bruce cheated, said nothing, and turned the blame back on his girlfriend. Ingrid crossed a friend’s stated boundary, decided she was overreacting, and offered “I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

Under-apologise and the other person is left holding the hurt alone. Over-apologise and the apology quietly changes owner: you are now asking them to manage your guilt. Ingrid landed in the middle and still missed, because a general apology carries no accountability with it.

This makes it important for you to measure how bad your mistake was before you decide how to apologize.How To Say Sorry, ch. 8
Before you speak

Write the mistake in one plain sentence with no explanation attached. If you cannot finish that sentence without the word “but”, you are not ready to apologise yet.

matched The Over-Apologizer The Half-Hearted The Avoider small slip, huge apology right size, no substance big harm, no apology above the line: it becomes about you below the line: they carry it alone size of the apology size of the mistake
The apology has to be the same size as the mistake. Each of the book’s three failed examples sits off the line in a different direction.

02 Before the words

You cannot apologise for something you have not accepted

Powel puts one step in front of every other: admit to yourself, privately, that you were wrong. Until that happens the words are a way of ending an argument, not repairing anything.

What blocks it is usually pride rather than cruelty. The book lists three signs you are being stubborn: you argue about everything, you never change your mind, and you ignore facts that contradict what you already believe.

It then names the two exits people take instead. You make an excuse, which shows you are avoiding accountability. Or you play the victim by pointing at what they did first. Both feel like defending yourself. Both drain the apology before it reaches anyone.

Try this

Write down what you did, with nothing attached. If a sentence starting “but they” appears, cross it out and read what is left. That remainder is the part you owe an apology for.

WHAT YOU DID EXCUSE you defend it “I only did it because” VICTIM you deflect it “they started it” honest with yourself nothing that leaves here comes back ACCOUNTABILITY
Two side branches drain the same pipe. Whatever leaves through them never reaches the apology.

03 Where it started

The mistake began before you did anything

Actions are not made without thoughts and emotions behind them. Powel traces every regretted action back through the feeling that drove it to the thought that came first, so that you are fixing a cause rather than an incident.

She asks three questions in order. What triggered you emotionally? How did that make you feel at the time? How did you feel afterwards? The gap between the last two answers is the whole point of the exercise, and it is usually wide.

That chain has exactly one place it can be cut, and it is not after the fact. It is the space between feeling something and saying it. The book calls the move taking a breath: leave the argument, come back when the heat has dropped.

It’s important to learn how to think before you speak, as this can avoid a lot of conflicts and prevent you from making the same mistakes again.How To Say Sorry, ch. 3
TRIGGER THOUGHT EMOTION sets off becomes drives THE PAUSE ACTION leaves REGRET take a breath SAY IT COOLED
One chain, one place to cut it. The pause sits between what you feel and what you say, never after.

04 The other side

You cannot write the apology from your own account

One event produces two records of what happened, and yours passed through everything you were feeling at the time. Powel’s instruction is to think like an outsider who has no connection to the situation, and to look at the facts rather than the version you assembled.

Bias fills the missing parts with guesses. The alternative is to stop guessing and ask. Three questions do most of the work: what did I say or do that hurt you, how did you feel when I hurt you, and how could I have communicated better?

Ask when they are willing to answer. If they do not want to talk yet, the book is clear that you respect it and come back later. There is one caution attached: understanding their side does not cancel yours, and you are still entitled to say how the conflict felt to you.

Ask, do not assume

Of those three questions, pick the one you are least comfortable asking. That is the one whose answer you do not already have.

ONE EVENT through your bias and heat through what it cost them YOUR ACCOUNT THEIR ACCOUNT what did I do that hurt you? how did it make you feel? what should I have said? SHARED FACTS
Two records of one event. The three questions are the only channel that moves anything from their record into yours.

05 Sincerity

An apology built out of your guilt is about you

The apology is for them, not for you. Powel treats this as the single test of sincerity, because every way an apology goes wrong turns out to be a way of moving the subject back onto yourself.

She lists four. You argue your point of view while they are telling you how they felt. You explain yourself until the explanation has become an excuse. You get upset enough that the moment becomes about your feelings. Or you push for forgiveness in a way that makes refusing it feel unkind.

The same test applies to why you are apologising at all. If the only thing you want back is relief from guilt, or a guaranteed forgiveness, the other person will hear it. Sincerity is not a tone of voice. It is who the apology is actually serving.

When you apologize, you must apologize with the intention of making the other person feel better and reassured.How To Say Sorry, ch. 8
WHAT THEY NEEDED WHAT YOU GAVE INSTEAD to be heard to know you get it to be comforted to choose freely your point of view your reasons your feelings your need for relief you argue you explain you get upset you press every swap moves the subject onto you
Four moves, all pulling the same way. Each one shifts the subject of the apology off the person you hurt and onto yourself.

06 The order

Say it plainly, and never follow it with but

Powel gives the apology a fixed order, and the order carries as much weight as the words. Ask permission. Say you are sorry. Take accountability for each thing you did. Say how you will change. Offer your own side last, and only if they want it.

Asking permission sounds excessive until you picture the alternative: an apology delivered to someone who is closed off to hearing one, which makes them react to your effort badly. And the second step gets skipped more often than you would think. Many people give long apologies and never actually say the words.

The trap is one syllable. Say sorry, add “but”, and the whole thing converts into an explanation. The other person hears the explanation and stops hearing the apology.

The order

Start with “Can I apologise to you?” Then say sorry. Then name what you did, item by item. Then say what you will do differently. Hold your reasons until they ask for them.

Ask if you may apologise. Say “I’m sorry.” Take accountability, item by item. Say how you will change. Give your side, if they ask. SO THEY ARE READY TO HEAR IT EACH THING, NAMED THE PROOF THE WORDS NEED LAST, NEVER FIRST add “but” HEARD AS AN EXCUSE
Five steps in order. Adding “but” after step two diverts the whole apology onto the branch and it never returns.

07 What it must carry

Five elements, each answering a question they are already asking

The book sets out five core principles of an apology, which it credits to Barber (2019): regret, responsibility, growth, restitution and a request for forgiveness. They are not ornaments. Each one closes a specific doubt in the head of the person listening.

Regret answers “did you mean any of that?” Responsibility answers “do you actually know what you did?” Growth answers “will this happen again?” Restitution answers “what about the damage?” And requesting forgiveness answers the last one by handing the decision back, which is why it has to be a request rather than a demand.

Leave one out and the doubt it was covering stays open. That is usually what people mean when an apology felt incomplete and they could not say which part was missing.

You can’t apologize without attempting to change or improve yourself.How To Say Sorry, ch. 9
WHAT THEY ARE ASKING THEMSELVES did youmeanany of it? do youknow whatyou did? will ithappenagain? whatabout thedamage? is thismine todecide? closes REGRET RESPON-SIBILITY GROWTH RESTI-TUTION REQUESTIT WHAT YOUR APOLOGY HAS TO CARRY drop one and its slot stays open
Each element is cut to fit one particular doubt. Leave any of the five out and that doubt stays open.

08 After

Forgiveness is the one part you do not control

You choose the words, the time, the place, who else is present, and what you change afterwards. You do not choose whether it is accepted. Powel is plain about it: you cannot force someone to forgive you.

She gives three reasons an apology may not land. They need time. You crossed a boundary that was a deal breaker for them. Or they are simply not a person who forgives easily. There is a fourth from earlier in the book: you have spent this apology before. Forgiven once, forgiven more slowly the second time, and by the third it may not be taken seriously at all.

Being forgiven is not the end of it either. Forgiving is not forgetting. They may keep raising it, may ask for reassurance when the feeling returns, and may want a promise. All three are reasonable, and all three are yours to carry without complaint.

Then stop

Say what you came to say, and leave it there. The ball will be in their court. Message them less, respect the space they ask for, and let the change do the rest of the talking.

YOURS THEIRS the words the timing the place who is present what you change after you hand it over forgiven not yet never for now they need time respect it still not forgotten they ask for reassurance they raise it again they want a promise same mistake again? forgiven slower, then not at all. credit left
Everything left of the line is yours to decide. Everything right of it is theirs, including how long it takes and whether it comes at all.

09 The whole book

Accept it, deliver it, then let go of it

Ten chapters, one sequence. The apology itself is the short part in the middle, and it only works because of what surrounds it.

Before

Accept

Admit you were wrong before you plan a single word. Trace the action back to the thought that started it, then ask the other person what you actually did.

During

Deliver

Ask permission, say sorry with no “but”, take accountability item by item, say how you will change. Match the size of the apology to the size of the mistake.

After

Release

Say it once and stop. Give them the space they ask for, keep the promise you made, and accept that the answer is theirs to give in their own time.

Powel’s whole argument fits in one line: the apology is for them. Everything else in the book is a way of keeping it that way.

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Adapted from How To Say Sorry: A Guide for Apologies and Acceptance
Gianna Powel  ·  © 2022 DVFZ Training Consultancy Services  ·  19 cited sources in the source edition